eve_prime | Closing the "gay gap" in Iran (Reply)

By Jon Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle:

Our nation's gay leaders pronounced themselves "surprised" at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's open admission that the long-rumored "gay gap" is real. CIA sources have been saying privately for some time that advanced satellite imaging has revealed traces of gays in the area around Tehran, but other pundits were skeptical. "The idea that gays have a different heat signature is an unproven hypothesis," said spokesperson Leslie Tracy.

Now, in the wake of Ahmadinejad's candid admission, a team of gay proselytizers is being formed in a humanitarian effort to bring Iran up to First World standards. "Never let it be said," said Col. Tracy Leslie of the Revolutionary Gay Army, "that America sat idly by while another nation suffered through a decadeslong gay drought."

Leslie called for volunteers to help beef up the regular forces. "We don't want to make the same mistake the Bush administration made," he said. "When we act to enrich the lives of the Iranian people, we want to make sure we have enough personnel to handle every city, town and village."

Some gay people, he acknowledged, might refuse to serve. "That is, of course, their right. They are free to enjoy their gay communities, even though they are aware that entire towns halfway around the world might be without a single gay person."

But he added: "If those people would just look at their copies of the Homosexual Agenda, they would see no mention of borders there, no idea that one country is gayer than another. We do not confine our recruiting to the Bay Area or Oxford, England. We are everywhere."

Gay historian Lee Parker sought to place the problem in a historical context. "We must remember that ancient Persia was, in many ways, the cradle of homosexuality. Persian warriors were known to seal their brotherhood with sexual congress - as indeed were the Greeks. There is no mention of lesbianism in the ancient texts, but then, there never is. That's the patriarchy for you. Nothing, nothing, Sappho, nothing, nothing."

Parker added: "If what we hear is true, it's sad that this ancient center of gayness would find the practice all but wiped out today. Oh, I suspect there are certain isolated desert areas where the old ways are still remembered, but probably not many. I understand that American television programs are occasionally available there, but how could average Iranians make any sense of 'Will & Grace' if they have lost the cultural memory of gayness?"

Leaders of Gays for Iran have dubbed the initial push the "shock and awww" campaign. "It's sort of like shock that the gay army is here and awww they're pretty nice," said psychologist Parker Lee. "We believe that Iranians will like any group of Americans that doesn't try to kill them."

Lee indicated that cultural sensitivity training would be among the group's biggest concerns. "You can't just go in there and get all butch and start herding all the bears into one corner and explaining their role in the community to them. For one thing: whole lotta bears in Iran. And none of this choosing-up-sides butch-femme-butch-femme thing. That just does not reflect the diverse reality of the gay experience, and anyway, that distinction is very hard to make as long as burqas are firmly in place."

Also, it's vital that we allow recruited Iranian gays to develop their own culture. Lee: "Perhaps they have no interest in musical theater or women's golf. We can't impose our belief system on them. Just teach the basics of gayness and let things develop naturally. Mostly, we're advocating a hands-off policy. Seriously, hands-off. We are not sexual imperialists."

Parker again: "It is important, I think, to answer Ahmadinejad's poignant cry for help. It is so rare for a political leader of a supposedly hostile country to speak frankly about internal problems. Sure, he was mostly bluster and 'death to America' and 'George Bush is evil,' but that is expected of him in his role. What of the private Ahmadinejad, the anguished president of a deprived nation? Don't we for humanitarian reasons need to answer his call?"

Lee agreed: "We cannot know, of course, whether the president's remarks had any personal component. It is possible that he has spent many lonely months cruising Tehran, looking for a wink or a nod or a foot tap. How lonely he must be! He's kind of cute in a crazed-zealot sort of way, and I'm sure that there's a jihadist somewhere who'd be just right for him. If international peace might start with a gentle touch on the cheek, surely we owe it to the world to create an environment where that can happen."

"We may have to stay there for a long time," said Col. Leslie. "It's not a quagmire, though; it's an opportunity."

We're looking for a few good men who are looking for a few good men. Ask not what you can do for your country, ask instead what you can do for the people of Qom.

Source.